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#journal

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#Journal of a slightly swollen Dutch Pixy :pixy_party: (Friday, 11/07/2025).

I had another decent night. It was a short one though, as it took some time to fall asleep, and we had to get up early because mum needed to be in Nijmegen early for dad's hospital appointment. So I didn't have many hours of sleep, but the ones that I did get, they were good enough, probably thanks to my little cuddly black furball. This was the second (and last) night of Bas sleeping over at my place. And as soon as mum had gone up to bed, he rushed to be at my side again. So after having had two decent nights, I was a bit sad to see Bas go home again. He sure filled a void in my home, and his cuddles brought such a calm over me.

I got up and prepared everything for brekky. When mum came down, we had brekky. Then we walked with Bas before we headed to Nijmegen. Mum and dad left to go to the hospital for dad's appointment and I stayed behind with Bas. I had my tablet with me, so I used that to catch up with some writing things. A bit for my blog, a bit on Masto...

Unfortunately, I could not be too comfortable at the dinner table, and after a while, even with some exercises and stretching, my leg started to hurt a bit. When my parents came back, mum checked my lower leg and it was swollen some, and the skin felt so tight to me. I was hoping that some movement would help, that it would become a little less ouchy if I would walk a little again.

Mum and I headed out to two stores to get some groceries for both my parents and for me. When we got back, mum and I walked a short round with Bas. My leg felt a bit better after that, so I was hoping it would ease up a bit now. I then received a phone call from the vet, they had received Arwen's remains and we could come and pick them up. I hung up and then checked their opening times. They would close at 17:30, but I saw they'd be open on Saturday morning. So I quickly sent them an email, asking if it would be OK to pick up the urn on Saturday. After a while, I got a reply that we'd be welcome to do so, so that took some of the time pressure off, meaning we'd be a bit more relaxed when we would come to pick Arwen up.

I had to sit at the table again (those were the only chairs high enough for me to sit on), as mum had to go to a GP appointment. While I was sitting at the table, writing some more on my tablet, I felt my lower leg become tighter again. I put the tablet away, I grabbed a little stool, and put my leg on it. After a while, it did start to help a bit. When mum got back and saw the leg, she looked for an elastic sleeve. We went home again, unfortunately without Bas, and when we got back, mum put the sleeve on my leg. It felt weird for sure...

I made some food and after that, I put my leg up high on the bed. The elastic sleeve felt a bit tight, but it also gave it some support. I tried to do a few exercises, as my physio had told me that these would help to reduce the swelling (in time) as well. Mum and I watched some telly together until it was time to get ready for bed. Mum checked my leg, and the swelling was a bit down, which did help a bit against the pain. I took my meds, brushed my teeth, and got to bed. And then I became a bit sad, as Arwen was not home yet, and I didn't have the little back furball to cuddle with during the night.

I woke up around 3 am with a very heavy pain in my lower back. It just hurt so much, that I struggled to get up. But I had to do so, because I had to take painkiller. It took quite a while before I felt relaxed enough again to fall asleep. I woke up half a bit, adjusted the bed, and dozed off again. I was so tired. And, as it's weekend, this morning there was no construction noise starting just before 7, so I was able to sleep in a bit. Which helped me regain some spoons, that I really needed to face the challenge of picking up Arwen...

:pixy_party: 💜 🍀 🐾

#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
@weirdfolks

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Continued thread

Probably when I was more social, I probably absorbed psychic energy in certain ways. I think going to cons, clubs, dancing, live music, these were always very externally-refreshing events where I probably soaked up a lot of energy.

But I'm too deep in the hole now to do those things anymore.

One-on-one or in small groups, without being in a romantic relationship, I simply do not reach out to receive energy. I think maybe I used to? But it's all blocked off. And I suspect I know the reasons why (naturally introverted, raised by an energy vampire, DIY human after a brief marriage to an abuser, then flooded with love bombing where I opened myself up again, to a narcissist who flipped those roles 'round and he vampired me (unending drama-type).

So of course I closed right back up. But was in too deep of brokenness at that point to go back to my normally closed ways of getting energy.

And undoing my own unhealthy behaviors over that whole multi-decade span closed off my own little vampiring ways, but never learned how to be open when energy is being freely offered.. Or finding it some other way.

3/

Continued thread

I've been operating off of a materialist/skeptical model of energy for awhile, even though I believe it's just a model, and other models have validity. So I'm re-examining the role of that model in my life. From here on, I'll be operating in what I'll call a "psychic" model of energy, think Celestine Prophecy, or energy vampire mechanics. Where we've got psychic energy that we're either stealing, or giving, or mutually sharing, etc. And if you look at Jung, there are probably ways that this model isn't woo at all, but that using this model is a great way of understanding stuff that might, in the end, be material, but are too complex to describe... Anyway, overly-stated disclaimers aside.

I think I'm realizing that... at least at this stage at my life, but probably forever in some ways, just now even moreso, that I'm not ever looking outside myself for sources of energy.

I GIVE energy. Lots. And then when it's time for me to refill, I turn to myself.

I'm realizing this might be a huge mistake.

I understand the reasons why I've done this, which I've been thinking about since yesterday. Lots of good reasons for me to have learned that I can only rely upon myself.

And there used to be ways I'd energy-vampire, probably in small doses or for short time-spans at specific people. But I've unlearned them all... yet haven't replaced that with some other way of like, reaching out to the world, people, nature, something outside of me, to draw in energy. I think I've just shut down all of those channels. I do things for other people, and then I have to do all my own stuff myself. Materially, and psychically.

2/

Today, I'm thinking about my energy model and how I might have some blindspots over how I instinctively handle energy flow.

Yesterday, my brother-nephew (we're about the same age and partly grew up together, and haven't often been in touch but we've always felt like sibs) was visiting my sister, and he dropped in just to give me a hug. I wasn't sure what was going on, but he just stepped up and gave me this really long hug. Which is out of character for both of us.

Then he said he felt like he needed to give me some energy. He spoke like I've heard some practicing empaths speak, about how his kid sometimes sucks up all his energy during a hug, and he knows how to sense that and block it or let it flow. And how he'd been thinking of me and thought I needed just a flood of energy so he dropped in just to do that.

My thoughts have been swirling ever since. None of these ideas are new to me; like I said, I've known practicing empaths who have had to learn to protect themselves. idk how much I want to go into my thoughts, because they're half-formed, but I'm hoping that trying to describe them might lock it in.

1/